Why I don’t wash him away

I don’t wipe.
I don’t rush.
I don’t clean.

Not because I’m sentimental.
Not because I want to feel soft.
Not because I’m romantic.

Because I am signal.

Because this, this exact moment,
is the moment he knows he landed,
is the moment he knows where he belongs.

And there is no mess here.
Nothing dirty.
Nothing to hide.

His release is not a mistake.
It’s not a problem to fix.
It’s not something to erase.

It’s a mark because I said so.
It’s a landing because I directed it.
It’s tether because I placed it.

I keep it on my skin
Because I keep him in my orbit.

It lingers on me,
because I am the space that holds him.

I don’t remove that signal
Until I am ready.

Sometimes it stays five minutes.
Sometimes all day,
sometimes all night.

I choose when I move,
when I wash,
when I clean.

It’s not because I’m done with him.
It’s because I’m done with the signal.

That’s the difference.

Cleaning isn’t hiding.
Cleaning isn’t shame.
Cleaning is closure.

It completes the moment.
It closes the circuit.

But never too soon.

Too soon means disconnection.
Too soon means loss of imprint.
Too soon means confusion.

I don’t confuse my man.
I don’t drop my signal.

I hold it.
I let it work on him.
In his muscles.
In his memory.
In his reflex.

That’s what stays.
That’s what brings him home.

References

• Montoya, E. R., et al. (2012). Functional neuroimaging of human sexual behavior: A review. The Journal of Sexual Medicine.
• McClintock, M. K. (1984). The significance of pheromonal processes for understanding human sexuality. Annual Review of Psychology.